31 January 2016

The struggle is real

I run my own business.

It's been going for just over two years now and it started small and it's gotten bigger and it's doing quite well these days.  I even have a wonderful team now. And an accountant. My beautiful man owns it with me but it's mine. My time, my passion, my experience, my partnerships, my knowledge, my stress, my learnings and my achievements that underpins whether or not it succeeds or fails.

It's been a steep learning curve.  And a humbling one. I'm good at what I do but I knew nothing about running my own business. And I stumbled. I tripped. I fell. I swore. I crawled. I toddled. Then I asked for help and well.... I should have done that sooner.

I've definitely got some pace on now.

But it doesn't take away the fear. And so, you're switched into the business 24/7. Pitching, worrying, strategising, selling, wondering, writing, training, delivering, revisiting, laughing, crying, swearing, swearing some more. And then on top of that you have a relationship, children, friendships, family, volunteer commitments, business commitments, networks, study and the intense desire to sleep uninterrupted for 8 hours.

And then your pysch talks to you about self care. And I give my impassioned speech about integration not balance. Which she actually agrees with so I'm kind of singing to the choir on that one. I don't have a lifestyle where I can balance things. They all have to work together. I work doing something I'm quite passionate about so it's not a case of this is my life and this is my work. It's all a jumble of complex priorities and a lot of self doubt.

Now that I think on it, we talk about this self care bit often. When I say 'we' - she keeps bringing it up so I suspect she thinks it's something I should be focussing on.  I've put it on my list of things to do this year. She can't say I'm not listening.

Look - somedays I'm a freaking machine baby - NAILING THAT SLIPPERY LITTLE SUCKER CALLED SUCCESS LIKE MY SURNAME IS KERBER. (No, don't be silly, of course I didn't watch it, my Facebook feed told me you all did and that in the end she beat the Williams lass)

And then other days I'm more Steven Bradbury. If I'm winning it's because other people have tripped over their proverbial skates allowing me that brief thrill of victory and a temporary respite.

Like all people I have to let some things slide sometimes, and pick them up other times. I worry about letting people down, I worry about fucking it all up and I worry about things I can assure you don't even cross the mind of some people. I've got such a huge amount of practice in worrying, that I can worry about the amount of time I spend worrying.

Success for me is not just building a business that I am proud of. I'm already proud of what I've achieved and I'm pumped to achieve a lot more this year. It's also about getting this integration thing right - working out how to keep it all ticking along and work in that elusive self care element seamlessly.

But it's not a case of set and forget.  No life is. The struggle is real, it's constant and it's ever shifting.

I don't even think this blog post has a point. But getting that all out of my head into a post has stopped me worrying about the fact that I worry so much and WHAT IS IT ALL FOR AND WHAT IF YOU KNOW SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING which was kind of getting in the way today of me actually doing anything useful.

So back to it. Happy Sunday lovelies.

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