16 October 2017

5 things which may one day end my marriage

I've seen a lot of relationships break down. And I'm not so smug as to think that my relationship -  which has passed through the stage of loved up housemates, to living in different countries, to living across the road, to moving countries, to living together, to engaged, to married, to married with children - is perfect. 

There are many, many reasons a marriage breaks down and to make sure I'm giving mine it's best shot, I have narrowed down the five areas which trigger the most discord in our happily ever after.


  1. He doesn't peg clothes on the line the way I do  Worse, his inability to peg clothes on the line in a way that is sensible, efficient and CORRECT, appears to be genetics (based on my scientific observations of his parent's clothesline over the years) which makes me fear for my daughters.  He doesn't align seams so that clothes hang straight, he'll hang jeans up by their waistband, he doesn't match socks as he goes and worst of all, when he takes clothes off the line, he LEAVES THE PEGS ON THE LINE, rather than returning them to the peg bag. In short, he's a monster.
  2. He gets amnesia when taking things out of the pantry
    Every. Single. Day. For. 13. Years. He has forgotten where the coffee and sugar go in the pantry, so once he has taken them out, he just leaves them on the bench. He also forgets how to seal the bread, put away the milk and or indeed any of the things EVER. I know he wouldn't continue to do things that annoy me so I have to assume some kind of regular, intermittent, amnesia.
  3. Time management
    We have different approaches to time. His approach is to see time as an abstract concept with no real meaning. Unless it's for a gig. In which case, his approach to time is as exacting as an Olympic official. It will come as no surprise that his approach is inconsistent with mine.
  4. Relaxing weekends
    My man knows how to relax. A weekend that involves seeing nobody but his family is his idea of bliss. If we can avoid leaving the house altogether he considers himself a man utterly content with his lot. I can do this kind of relaxing for approximately 37 seconds. I like to do things. Lots of the things. All of the things. With all of the people. All of the days. All of the time. We have a shared calendar so there are no surprises. Me forgetting to put things in the calendar means sometimes HE gets a surprise. I'm never at fault here - he should have learned to read
    my mind years ago.
  5. We have different 'conflict resolution' stylesThis means when we get cross with each other he becomes mute and I become absolute, and it only ends when we sit down and take turns to express our points of view calmly and rationally until we are back to being cosmically aligned.

    This is of course - 100% untrue.

    It generally ends when one or both of us is fed.
And for all of those sitting there smugly thinking - my relationship is much more solid than that Al - We share values, love our families, are kind and respectful to each other and love each other more than life itself. We are totally awesome.

I say.... Call me after your next argument.  

If it's about your opposing view on Australia's approach to the North Korean nuclear threat, or how best to demonstrate empathy to your children, I'll be more surprised than Nick's going to be when he sees what we have on NEXT weekend. 

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