2 July 2012

Judge me if you must but I don't like tuna

I really don't.  In fact, I don't like seafood at all.  I don't like a lot of meat and I don't see the point of seeds as I am not a bird.  I'm against cruelty to broccoli though appreciate that nearly any vegetable is enhanced by cheese sauce.  I like fresh salads and dislike anything smothered in dressing or sauces.  I'm allergic to mushrooms. I can not name a single chef on Masterchef and you'd sooner see me exfoliating with a cheese grater than you would see me willingly watching a reality food show.

All of which basically makes me an outcast.  Everybody is a foodie these days.  They read cookbooks on the train, can name every chef on TV and know their signature dish.  They will book to get into a restaurant weeks in advance.  People really really really reallly care about food.  And I don't.

I can quite happily live on cold sausages and boiled eggs for lunch for a week.  Every day in a row.  Or a cheese and vegemite sandwich.  If I find something I like I order it again and again because I hate paying for food I don't eat.  I like plain rice.  No really.  Just plain rice. And yet my friends say I'm difficult to cook for because I like things plain and simple.

And while I'm outing myself - I'm happy for my meat to be dead on my plate.  I don't need you to slice it off the backside of a passing cow and throw it bleeding on a plate just so I can claim to have a sophisticated palate.  Just cook my meat, throw some vegetables around and send it in. Being at the top of the food chain is a good thing people.  Embrace it!

I'm big on texture though which I'm given to understand means I'm not completely a lost cause.  Unless it was the time somebody convinced me to try an oyster at a very ooh la la new year's eve party and the very feel of it in my mouth made me gag - and it shot across the table into the lap of the boyfriend's aunt who I had only just met. Ooops.

And never try to find a recipe for weight loss if you don't like tuna and seeds.  Absolutely everything is based around a simple belief that everybody loves tuna and salad sandwiches.  Me, I like salad or I like sandwiches - I don't see the point of mixing them up.  And did I mention?  I really don't like tuna.