16 November 2012

Michelle Bridges aint got nothin' on my routine!

You can keep your morning boot camps, your Fitness First memberships, your morning walks with the dog - I am absolutely convinced that if I paid people to take my girls shopping it would become the world's most challenging fitness regime.

Take yesterday's trip to Kmart.  Yes.  Kmart.

Place smallest weight (approximately 7-8 kilograms) into trolley seat.  Place larger weight (approximately 16 kilograms) into the trolley at large.  Ensure trolley has one dodgy wheel so you have to push to the right the whole trip to ensure you don't just do left leading circles.  If we were in a fancy gym and I was charging you for this exercise, I'd call it resistance training.

Set off at brisk pace (cardio) in vain attempt to distract the weights from the fact that they are in a shop.  Obviously not fast enough.  Larger weight sways from side to side in desperate attempt to leap from moving trolley.  Remember that dodgy wheel and compensate the swaying of your trolley accordingly. (Full body resistance training)

Get to shoe aisle - do forward lunge (good for your butt apparently) to catch larger weight hurling themselves over the front of the trolley.  Lower gently to the floor being careful not to indulge in momentary urge to let them fall. Find the right pair of shoes for them.  Do series of bend and squats to pick up everything larger weight has removed from shelves while waiting.

Push trolley with lighter weight towards to the homewares section to find pegs and a new dishbrush.  Do twist and push as you walk ensuring you keep the dawdling larger weight in view while not allowing trolley to veer left.

Do two large and quick sidesteps into aisle to grab necessities and then back again.  Realise larger weight has now vanished from sight.  Do quick sprint in one direction, pivot and run in other direction before locating larger weight hiding in the men's shorts.  Remove said weight bodily tucking under one arm and returning to pushing trolley with smaller weight.

Eventually realise this is not going to work but ensure all muscles are pushed to maximum weight bearing capacity before lowering weight gently to ground.  Have larger weight streak ahead.  Keep up with lighter weight as you head towards the toy section.  Have lighter weight hurl your purse out of trolley.  Break, spin, squat, retrieve, lose sight of larger weight.  Spring with trolley.  Stop.  Realise that you actually can't find child.  Sprint up and down large aisle before finding larger weight conversing with Dora's backpack.  Pile larger weight into trolley, strap in and carry lighter weight under one arm while pushing trolley to front counter.  Self serve and leave.  45 minutes into what would have been a 5 minute stroll sans children.

Absolutely frickin' buggered.

Then get 'health questionnaire' on your email when you get home asking if you do enough 'formal exercise' (because otherwise you'll get fat and die leaving your little babies all alone in the world.)

I raise my glass of wine (large of course, no need to stop the informal weight bearing and repetitive exercises) and say 'Fuck off' out loud.  Because I'm like that.