2 May 2013

Growing up is not for the faint hearted.

It's only lunchtime and it is already one of those days where I have cried way more than I have smiled.  And the frustrating thing is that as I stood in the sunshine, hanging out the washing, crying in that face distorting way which is never how it looks in the movies - I know that this will pass.

What I have not yet learnt to do is -.

  • Not let the opinions of a few, matter so much more than the majority.  
  • Stop defining myself, even temporarily, by another's perception of me, however inaccurate.  
  • Not care. 
I have always wished I was one of those people dripping with confidence and a sense of entitlement that even deserved criticism fails to dent their self perception.  And they do exist.  I always used to think maybe it was just a front, but I have these people in my friendship circle and they are actually very confident of their own awesomeness. And that is not a dig.  It's essentially faith, and faith is a grand thing to have - whether it's in yourself, a deity or others. 

And then there are others of my friends who are lovely without knowing it, beautiful without realising it, extraordinary but believing otherwise.  And I recognise that all of us have the capacity to be more than the sum of our own minds but that self belief is a blessing that not all of us lined up to receive.

And so, as I am still learning to process self belief rather than it being instinctive, its taken some time today to get back to the point that I am able to intellectualise the emotional and feel calm, be accepting of myself, and remember that the lingering feeling of sadness will go.

I really thought that being a grown up would get easier as time passed.  I really did.