26 May 2013

Profound statements from my bra

Today I had stabbing chest pains.  On several occasions.  I'd stop what I was doing, move around a bit until the discomfort eased and then get on with it.  I've seen the adverts, I know that heart attacks can happen to people my age, but I wasn't worried about that.

I was suffering from 'rogue underwire'.  This is a condition which only afflicts people that wear bras. I'm not being gender specific on purpose.  I'm new age like that.

This is white underwear
'Rogue underwire' happens when for whatever reason the underwire in your bra bursts through the material and attempts to kill you by stabbing you in the chest repeatedly.  Normally in the most public place possible.

The basic premise of 'rogue underwire' is that if it can not kill you by puncturing your chest plate in its first unexpected attack, then it should cause you maximum embarrassment by ensuring you have to try and push the underwire back into place while pretending you are not actually juggling your boobs in a public place.  Ultimately the underwire will win.  This is a known truth.  Up there with death, taxes and Hugh Jackman being a genuinely nice man.

The best defence is to actually just rip the underwire out and lob it into the unknown but then you end up with lopsided boobs and you kind of have to weigh up the circumstances and work out whether this kind of approach is going to work for you.  Lopsided boobs are okay in some situations but I actually can't think of one example so really - it rarely works for anybody.  If you don't have boobs which require bras - understand this is a bad thing.  A very bad thing.  Lopsided boobs can ruin hundreds of dollars of tailoring in seconds.  Or in my case, $15 of comfy jumper. Even the badly dressed value good underwear.

Some people patch bras to keep their underwire in, but this is futile.  The bra has told you that death is preferable to a life in servitude.  Allow it the dignity of dying the way it chooses to do so.  Patching bras is ultimately useless.  The 'rogue underwire' will just break out in another spot.

We should learn from history.  When those in servitude decide to break free - nothing will stop them.

And that is my profound Sunday observation.  Vale 'that bra'.