12 July 2013

Guest Post: Before Sheldon there was Slapdash


Today's post is by the completely bonkers Slapdash Mama (also known as Sarah).  She does talking frankly in a way I'll never crack and I always love reading her blog - her energy leaps from the screen and I admire both the energetic and the articulate.  I am really pleased that she agreed to do a guest post here and once you've read it and become a fan you can follow her HERE!

So without further ado - I present SLAPDASH MAMA!

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It's my very great pleasure to be guest posting today for Alison on her clever and amusing blog "Talking Frankly". I feel weird calling her Alison because in my mind I always refer to her as "Frank". SO anyway thank you very much for asking me, Frank, I am stoked.

Frank has asked me to elucidate on a topic she has chosen for me. The topic I've been given is;

                  Of all the things already invented, what do you wish you had invented?

I am a bit of a weirdo because I really like getting thrown random topics to write about. JUST LIKE AN EXAM! I used to love exams. I am actually not kidding.

So let's plough ahead shall we?

Well, the short answer to that question is (probably not unlike many of us out there) I wish I had invented Google.

I know we all say how much we HATE Google because TAKING OVER THE WORLD AND INFORMATION, but frankly if I woke up tomorrow and I was suddenly the millionaire  billionaire brains behind that interweb sensation  I would be freaking smug. And rich. Did I mention rich?

I suppose I probably should have said "I wish I had invented the polio vaccine because SAVING LIVES", or "I wish I invented crop rotation because HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE", but my naturally acquisitive instincts led me to my greedy choice.  Altruism? WHAT GOOD DID THAT EVER DO ANYONE ANYWAY HEY?

It might seem quite a stretch, for anyone who might actually know me in actual real life, to imagine me actually inventing something like Google, what with my actual lo-tech luddite-esque tendancies.

O YE OF LITTLE FAITH!!!

I totally could have invented Google if I had WANTED to.

I mean, I did IPT in Year 11 AND Year 12!

OK, so maybe I only did it because my Dad basically forced me to. And like, it is POSSIBLE that I wasn't actually any GOOD at it or anything.  And it MIGHT be the case that I did spend a CONSIDERABLE amount of time weeping over my Visual Basic coding and swearing at my Expert Systems assignment. And maybe because it was 1997 and the internet hadn't really taken off, just maybe it is possible THAT WE DIDN'T EVEN LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT WEBSITES OR THE INTERNET OR ANYTHING THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN USEFUL IN THE 21st CENTURY!!!!!

OH GOD IT'S TRUE I WAS DISASTROUS AT IPT! DISASTROUS!

My friend L and I were the only two girls in the class of computer nerd boys. So I guess it was a bit like a real life version of this...



Or it would have been except that I looked like more like this at the time...

WHAT A GLAMOROUS TEENAGER! NOT AWKWARD AT ALL!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, IPT. Inventing Google.

So my time in the classroom studying IPT with a gaggle of computer nerds was sort of like - look, I'm not going to pull any punches here - it was like being on the planet Mars.  Didn't help that the computer nerds were all better at everything than our flustered teacher. They occasionally tried to help me but their communication skills were sometimes, ah, lacking.

Look I've got absolutely NOTHING against nerds. In fact, I AM a nerd. A total nerd. And let's face it computer nerds are TOTALLY FASHIONABLE and LAUGHING AT US ALL because RICH! It's just that I have never been the right type of nerd.

My type of nerdishness - reading a lot, wishing I was in a Jane Austen novel, enjoying Gardening Australia, listening to Irish Folk Music and Tori Amos from an early age - did not lead me to power or riches. Or popularity at high school. If only I had spent my lunch hours playing networked Doom in the computer rooms, I would be laughing all the way to the bank now I am sure.

I suppose these days my penchant for granny hobbies would fit right in with the HIPSTER CHIC OEUVRE. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I'm pretty sure that train has sailed for me now. My interests are not ironically cool, because I am not thin enough or young enough or tattooed enough, and I don't have a ZZ Top beard.

OK maybe I do have a bit of a beard. And I AM a vegan*.

Anyway back to IPT. Yes. And inventing Google.

My friend L and I spent most of our time doing group assignments at my house, printing out reams of coding and crying hysterically.  One time, on the due date of an assignment, my PC died.  My hysterics reached new heights.

My Dad, a teacher at my school and possibly feeling somewhat responsible for the whole thing (AS WELL HE SHOULD ARE YOU READING THIS DAD I BLAME YOU) did what any parent would do when their child phones them screaming "I CAN'T GET THE ASSIGNMENT TO SAVE THE COMPUTER HAS DIED I AM GOING TO FAIL AND NEVER GET TO UNI AND END UP ON THE STREETS!".

He loaded my entire computer and hard drive into his  blue volvo, drove to school and parked up on the grass outside my teacher's staff room, unloaded the entire computer and plugged it in at her desk and got her to work it out.

Not embarrassing at all. Nope. Not a bit.

So that leads me right back to Google (OK I KNOW IT DOESN'T REALLY BUT WORK WITH ME HERE PEEPS).  I think we all accept that computer nerds now rule the world. Bill Gates, Julian Assange, and Dr Sheldon Cooper are the puppet masters and we; we are their puppets.

Now excuse me while I go and Google "How to get rid of chin hair" and "How do you spell Oeuvre?" and "ZZ Top beards".

Good day to you all.

*HAHAHAHA! As if.