9 July 2013

Sadly, I'm no tampon advert

This exercise malarky has found me ill-equipped in more ways than just fitness.  

1. My running is ugly
I'm not joking.  I jog like a wounded beast, lumbering along on the inside of my feet for a hundred metres or so before lapsing back into the wheezing reality of the overweight walker.  I keep up my pace, thankful for large sunglasses and slower, fatter people until I build up a little reserve and lurch forward once again.  One thing is for certain - nobody is ever going to be mistaking me for a tampon advert.

2. I have boobs
The men and women that bounce along the pavement in naught but a lick of lycra do not need to battle their breasts into submission by strapping them to their bodies first in scientifically designed, AIS approved, militarily tested bras and then reinforced with constrictive clothing.  I have to ensure my emerging jogging style is not impeded by boob induced whiplash or I won't be running anywhere as I'll be in traction.

3. Where the f**k do people put their musical devices?
Those arm straps are uncomfortable. My phone insurance doesn't cover sweat damage if I shove it down my bra. I am morally and ethically opposed to bum bags.  When I carry it in my hand I rip my earphones out of my ears when I swing my arms. I haven't yet worked out the solution but I suspect it might involve duct tape and my neck.

4. I don't look good in baseball caps
I see my capped reflection and realise that I look like I should be wearing a lumber jacket and shooting deer, not going for a sedate walk/run around the bay. I have a big head and hats and me have a tortured relationship. The whole jogger look is pulled together by the correct head wear which helps you look professional and run better.  I think the head wear issue might be my biggest impediment to successful running.

5. I haven't got the right playlist
I have playlists of music to put children to sleep.  For driving. For writing. For reading. For the bus.  Favourites.  Old music. New music.  But I don't have an exercise playlist yet. It's going to need Pink, Beth Ditto, Pulp, Queen, Franz Ferdinand, Vampire Weekend but how do I work out what tunes I'm missing?  My genius playlist threw up 'The Grand Old Duke of York' which didn't really do much for my vibe. But I know that I'm going to run like Usain once I get it sorted.  I just know it!

All suggestions to get myself match fit for the start of my 'official training' next week gratefully received.