I'm so zen at times.
So since I have only about seven months before I hit 40, I'm letting go of four things I had really hoped might happen and make my life perfect.
1. I'm never going to be black
I blame my parents for this one. I'm pale, but pink. So not Cate Blanchett pale. Not Nicole Kidman pale. More Vicky Pollard pale. My sisters got skin that tans or lacks the pink undertone. My brothers tan I think - but who knows - they get to keep the body hair. I always wanted skin like Lupita Nyong'o or Iman Abdulhmajid or Samantha Harris. I still want skin like theirs, but am resigned to white, freckled, pale skin that alternates between blotchy pink and blotchy blue depending on the season.
But if you EVER make a movie of my life, please ask Lupita to star. Everybody knows that even documentaries get a little bit of creative leeway, and since the next generation of children are learning about history from the films, not the books - they'll never know the truth.
2. I'm never going to be Jewish
I have to blame my mother for this I think. She's Catholic. Sure I could convert, but I don't think my reasoning would resonate. I want to be able to use 'Oy Vey', 'Mazeltov' and 'L'Chaim' with wild abandon, break glasses underfoot and write brilliant musical scores. Oh, I know it's a generalisation people calm down, but over all I think we need to agree that the Jewish people have it sewn up - music, history, art, resilience, language and so on.
Since the conversion is unlikely to happen, I have to settle for a liberal usage of schlocks, klutzes, chutzpah, tuches, schmoozes, schtick, glitches and schmucks in both my writing and conversation. And watch this video a lot, because it makes me happy.
3. I am not going to be a rock star
I can't sing and my piano teacher quit on me when I was in primary school - supposedly because I never practiced, but equally likely because I couldn't play. Sure the two might go together but if you haven't got it, you haven't got it. I am never going to write a song or craft a dance which is to the future what Gangnam Style is to the past.
I will never wear leather pants with a flannelette shirt or have underpants flung at my motorcade. I will never have my tongue the talking point of conversations around the world. I won't get to eat my breakfast off the back of a naked model or inspire a generation to rebel against the conformity of society. My profanity will always be crass, not the wild, crazy talk of a sassy front woman.
4. I am never going to understand why people thought The Piano was a good movie
I always thought I missed something, that I failed to understand a movie so profound and moving that even people that prefer Monster Truck events to Mozart RAVED about it. I read the reviews, countless pages of gushing and admiration for a movie that bored me so much that I almost cheered when he chopped her finger off because I was SO PLEASED SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED.
However, I do agree that the New Zealand scenery was breathtaking. But seriously, send me a postcard and save me the movie price. But I'm letting this go. I am realising that it's not a failure on my part. It was just a really crap movie.
And that's the four steps to accepting myself and moving on to the perfect life. I can't believe these impediments to happiness and success never came up in my therapy sessions.
What little things about yourself do you have to accept now that you're supposed to be an adult?
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