I was never somebody that craved motherhood, I never felt a biological clock ticking and I never had a plan. I just kind of assumed I'd get around to it some day.
I was lucky. I did get around to it - twice. Very importantly I had the good sense to have you fathered by a kind man with a beautiful heart. This means you wont have to deal with abandonment issues, hook up with inappropriate sugar daddies or join an extreme cult in an effort to find yourself.
Well if you do, it won't be your dad's fault.
You are, both of you, loved and adored in equal measure. I had planned on never shouting, but I'd forgotten to imagine your developing independence and your flourishing imaginations. Even when I am in the midst of being 'shouty mum' and exasperated beyond measure, I am proud. And me shouting is my issue, never yours.
I will not allow you to grow up without manners or with the expectation that all you want is yours for the shouting. But I will work with you to understand why manners are important and tantrums mean 'no'. Sometimes that means you are 'mad' with me, and I'm okay with that, because being told you can't have something is no fun. It doesn't mean I will change my mind and it means that when you get older you'll be able to get a job and keep it. You're welcome.
I will badger you about being kind, saying sorry and learning to empathise. Because if these are instinctive to your older selves, you're in a good position. These three things are not weaknesses, indeed they are strengths which you should keep in good shape through constant use. If you are mean, petty spirited, unable to admit wrong and without empathy - you wont be the best versions of yourself and I will consider that I have failed as a mother. I have enough issues, please get the hang of these three things.
I am happy to spoil you, cuddle you too much, tell you that you are clever, count your freckles, tickle your tummy and say I love you until it becomes embarrassing and then I will say it again. There is not a day that has gone by since you were born that I haven't told you and I will continue to say it every day for the rest of your lives. For the greatest thing I can do for you as a mother is send you out into the world secure in the knowledge that you are loved beyond reason.
I truly believes that self confidence comes from being loved. And if you are confident enough to live big lives, choose good people as friends and lovers, be kind, shun bigotry and speak up not only on your own behalf but others, than my beautiful girls, what a life you will have, and what a magnificent nursing home you'll choose for me and your dad. Please make sure it has a pool.
As I wrote to you both on the days you were born, I am still aiming not to f**k up this parenting lark, it's still early days but overall, we're tracking okay. But regardless of my mothering, you girls are the two most amazing people. And I love every single bit of both of you. Every single day.
Love Mama xxxx