5 May 2014

I am the snorer!

Stop right there.

Thank you very much.

If you have ever blamed your lack of sleep on the snoring of your partner/child/housemate/dog raise your hand.

Ooooh.  Lots of hands.

The guttural vibrations of the respiratory system are not the reason you can't sleep - it's because you're crap at sleeping.  People that sleep properly are fully immersed in dreamland, hearing nothing but the terrified shrieks in their never ending nightmares involving elephants in pyjamas or the soft lilting of Taylor Swift in their happy ever after dream of Ryan Gosling.

Ahhhh... the sound of LIFE

Proper sleepers aren't bitching about the life affirming grunts and snorts coming from the other side of the bed, or through the wall, or from the other end of the campsite.  Proper sleepers are sleeping.

And we all know that the only people who are bad at sleeping are those with guilty consciences.  Whether it's Catholic guilt, High Anglican stoicism or Atheist panic, it chisels away at night time serenity, leaving the poor at sleeping cranky and unable to accept responsibility for their inability to master this most basic of functions.

They lie there gritting their teeth, knowing that they would be younger, fitter, smarter, thinner, wealthier and generally happier if the snorer just stopped.  Those that haven't abandoned all hope of getting better at sleep will poke the person or shove them over until they lie on their sides, dulling the rhythmic roar to an irregular snuffle and taking that opportunity to enter the appropriate REM cycles.

Because everybody snores sometimes.  Colds, booze, a funny sleeping position, a pea stuck up the nose that you haven't yet discovered - anything can make somebody snore.  But proper sleepers rejoice at these very real demonstrations of your life and vitality and close their eyes and wander off into the land of nod.

People that sleep, perchance to snore, really don't give a rat's bottom that you have been kept awake by their snoring.  They pity your petty complaints and generally ignore your gnashing of teeth and renting of cloth because it's not their fault you haven't learned to sleep.  They know that you are jealous of their well honed ability to sleep and then enjoy the next day, fully refreshed by the tantalising thread of a dream where they defeated the pyjama clad elephants while riding Ryan Gosling, or riding pyjama clad elephants with Ryan Gosling.  They're not quite sure, but it's left them happy enough.

Who knew that if you googled Ryan Gosling Elephant you
would find a picture of Ryan Gosling Rhino
So bottle up your bitching poor sleepers.  Go practice the art.  Close your eyes, close your ears and if the sound of your partner reaches levels which allows the neighbours to put in a formal noise complaint, you won't care.

Because you'll be asleep.

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