2 January 2018

New Year! New Me! (Not really)

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of each year being a clean slate - New Year! New Me!
Irony in action - last day of 2017

I'm thin! I'm interesting! I'm committed! I'm resolved! I'm kinder! I'm BETTER THAN I WAS!

And then I think, actually, I'm kind of okay. And yeah, I'm fat but I'm perfectly happy at the moment sitting here on the couch with a glass of wine and a book, mindlessly flipping through Netflix and listening to my daughters cackle with manic glee in the playroom.

Yes, I have plans for the year, but I write to-do lists most days so it's seriously not going to change my life. I, like all of us, can always work at being kinder, more empathetic and more compassionate, but that doesn't mean I'm going to start liking everybody - surely liking most people is enough?

And if you don't get caught up in all the hype that better is completely different, aren't you always better than you were? Isn't that the whole point of life? You start as a blob of a human, cute, hungry and a bit needy and you grow, and you learn things, and you start to communicate and you go about the business of life, each day becoming a better, more evolved version of the person you were yesterday? Sometimes that's a 'life lesson' and sometimes it's a 'life goal'. 

I'm not saying don't make resolutions. Resolutions are generally positives.  I am resolved this year to get back into meal planning and regular exercise - it all got derailed last April when I broke my sacrum in three places, and tore my rotator cuff falling off the toilet (see - life lesson - don't stand on toilet seats to use the mirror - you're welcome!)

2017 wasn't a great year for me in many, many ways. It was a long hard slog back to mental equilibrium after the period of my life in late 2016 I jokingly (black humour is my fave) refer to as 'that time I didn't die'.  As a relatively high functioning depressive, there was a disconnect between how I felt and what people saw for most of 2017.  I got there by the end of the year - a few months of no suicidal ideologies and I was all ready to throw my pills out the window and declare myself CURED.

I didn't of course. 2016's life lesson was ideas like that are DUMB.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I am excited about 2018. I have high hopes for it - particularly in regards to my family and my business. VERY high hopes. I'm looking forward to many things. I have plans, I have goals. But the person I am today is 43 years in the making. I'm perfectly imperfect like every other person on the planet. I don't need to be somebody else entirely to be happy, loveable or successful.

My now is the exactly the right place for me to be on the second day of the new year. And if at the end of the year I'm a more evolved specimen of the person I am today, it's not because of something I promised myself five hours into drinking wine, Pimms and mojitos on New Year's Eve. It's because the alternative to evolution is extinction. And the one thing I definitely know is that extinction is not what I want for myself.

What I want for the people I love (myself included) is that we find our inner peace. That we can be happy in our now so that we don't feel like judging or judged. That we can be confident in ourselves so we can be open minded, that we can be kind and that we can be compassionate to those that most need it. 

For those of you that specific goals I give you these:

1. Eat Turkish Gozleme at least one a month - it is happiness
2. Think about exercising - for I am told it is the thought that counts, and lastly
3. Don't be a dick - for this is the answer to all of life's conundrums.

Happy 2018!


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