Dear Mr Morrison
I'd like to congratulate you on the absolutely cracking code of conduct that you have introduced for asylum seekers this month. But I don't think you've gone far enough. I think that code of conduct should be introduced more widely across Australian society because I, like you, don't think the law is enough.
You and I both know that according to statistics asylum seekers are 45 times LESS likely to commit a crime than a member of the general public. In fact, the last available statistics showed us that only 5 asylum seekers were charged with any kind of crime in a one year period. So I see why we are so concerned. It's outrageous.
But I think we need to expand it to other groups of people too. I, like you, are very concerned with the safety of the general public which is why this code has been introduced obviously and have helped you out by highlighting a few groups you should get your government to monitor more vigorously.
In the code of conduct you remind asylum seekers You must not harass, intimidate or bully any other person or group of people or engage in any antisocial or disruptive activities that are inconsiderate, disrespectful or threaten the peaceful enjoyment of other members of the community;
You obviously wont have had a lot of time to go out at the moment I appreciate since you are so busy writing fabulous documents like these, but its the silly season - this clause is encompassing 90% of office Christmas parties this month. We're going to have to really get moving to make a difference to the safety of the public. Though to be fair we can probably skip the 33,000 asylum seekers currently living in the community - you wont let them work so they wont be at the Christmas parties. Good thinking on your part. Saves us time.
In the code of conduct you remind asylum seekers You must not make sexual contact with another person without that person’s consent, regardless of their age; you must never make sexual contact with someone under the age of consent;
This is going to get awkward but just flipping through the pages of this year's newspapers - we need to extend the code to a number of different groups such as our defence force, the NRL, the AFL, the teaching profession, the clergy, the public service, our government, anybody attending schoolies and the banking industry. It's not a definitive list by any means but it'll get you started.
In the code of conduct you remind asylum seekers You must not refuse to comply with any health undertaking provided by the Department of Immigration and Border Protection or direction issued by the Chief Medical Officer (Immigration) to undertake treatment for a health condition for public health purposes;
We can start with the Eastern suburbs, then move to Byron Bay and the like. The directive might not have come from immigration but there are a lot of people out there not vaccinating their children and I hear that's where the hippies congregrate. We're seeing a rise in diseases that were eliminated in Australia and I fully understand your concern about public health. I think we should also target the filthy buggers on the train that don't cover their mouth with their hands when they cough or sneeze. It's an outrage.
In the code of conduct you remind asylum seekers You must not disobey any Australian laws including Australian road laws; you must cooperate with all lawful instructions given to you by police and other government officials;
We can jolly well start with the North Shore mums. Have you seen those women at school pick up time? They are parking in no parking zones, stopping in no stopping zones and sometimes in the park and kiss zones they don't kiss their kids they just WAVE them goodbye. If I'm a representative example, I can tell you I should be signing this code of conduct - I got two speeding fines in the same zone in the same month earlier this year. I am truly a menace to society and so are many of my friends. Look, I'll help you out here - I'll just email them the code of conduct and get them to sign it and send it back to you. That work okay?
As you can see, I'm all for a much more comprehensive approach to the issue of public safety and I am so glad that you are addressing it with such fervour. I am also very keen that we introduce some kind of uniform for people that identify with the utopia you are working towards, maybe a patch can be sewn on the clothes of people that don't agree with us or maybe didn't have the good luck to be born in a country like ours? It would just help a little I think in working out who is properly Australian and who isn't.
Looking forward to the next bit of brilliance from you or one equally noble and inspirational colleagues.
My very best regards