5 March 2014

A child is a child is a child is a child

You know what's got me cranky this week?  And it's because of the deluge of Hollywood stories but it's not about anything the celebrities are doing.... in fact, it's the media.

Can we please stop referring to people's children as adopted, natural or fostered FFS.

Adopting a child is an emotional, drawn out, costly life choice. Surrogacy - same. IVF - same. Getting yourself knocked up tends to be less drawn out, and doesn't cost so much to begin with because the horizontal dancing tends to be free.  That's just the way it is.  The way you choose to become a parent is completely irrelevant to the way you feel about your children.

However the baby arrives in its parents life - that child is the son or daughter of it's parent.  End of story.

This incessant labelling of people's children as if it makes any bloody difference to the love they feel.  I read one comment where the woman stated 'it takes time for the love to kick in if the child is not biologically yours' and 'I bet Angelina loves her own children more'.  They are all her own children you idiot.  All of them.

And I can tell you, I DIYed my babies and my adoration for them didn't kick in instantly they were hauled from my stomach.  I was too bloody tired, traumatised and sad to do anything but be grateful they were there.

Wears UGG boots to shops - still allowed to have a baby
The love when it came, BOOM.  But it wasn't instantaneous. And it's bullshit to pretend that biological babies are the only babies that come with 'I am lovable' functionality.  And it's bullshit to pretend that all DIYers have an instant bond.  That kind of fairytale is just as damaging for DIYers as this infernal labelling of children by the process in which they arrive in their parent's lives.

People who have a mixture of biological and non-biological children CHOSE to have each and every single one of those children as part of their lives.  That's a powerful expression of love because unlike DIYers your parenting is judged long before the kid arrives.  Are you financially secure enough?  How do you socialise? What's your medical history like? What are you extended family like? What are your attitudes to this? How are you going to do that? Are you going to be a good parent?

As a DIYer, yes I CHOSE to have each and every single child as part of our lives but one thing I can say definitely is that we didn't have to prove we were suitable parent material before we got our conceiving on. Our children have just had to wing it with us, we come completely uncertified in every way.

So stop.  Let families be families.  Let's stop referring to Nicole Kidman's two adopted children, one natural and one surrogate child.  Let's refer to Nicole Kidman's four children.  Let's stop referring to Brangelina's rainbow family and just refer to her family or her six children rather than being racist twats.  Let's stop referring to Neil Patrick Harris' twins via surrogacy and just refer to his twins or his son and daughter.

Why?  Because we are teaching our children that labelling other children is okay.  That it is okay to judge somebody by origin.  That somebody who lives in a different family environment is somehow better or worse.  Because all that bollocks that we rain down on the celebrity parents, filters down into the relationships they have at school and in later life.  We are teaching them to judge.

And that is not okay.

Let parents make their families however they make them.  Even if they are celebrities.


  1. I am with you on this. I have been told a number of times that my brother is not really my brother because he was adopted, which admittedly in our case is fairly obvious, him being Asian and my parents and I being Caucasian. I have always just given them "the look" and informed them that he is indeed my brother we just always had more inventive names to call each other. And those names were the same ones I would end up in fights with other kids at school for using towards him. As for the "biological bond" I am with you on that as well. I didn't instantly bond with my second child, actually my first thought about her was wondering if my husband would agree to adopt her out, don't expect rational after 9 hours of labour. But after a week of going through the motions that bond grew and now I am as much in love with her as my other two children. Children have enough to deal with in this world without heaping crap labels on them too.

  2. Here here! Families come in all shapes and sizes, we should provide more support than judgements I think.

  3. Yes! I so agree! Well said.