24 April 2014

Confessions of the not yet famous


I mean NO!  She didn't? He didn't? Did he? BUT BUT BUT BUT....

Cue general outrage and a veritable storm of protest about something somebody did before they were famous, before they'd actually grown up or just because one time they acted without thinking about the consequences!

We out here in interweb world are a really judgemental pack of bastards sometimes.  It's not like we all haven't got a few 'skeletons' lurking about in our cupboard, packed away in a photo album or sitting in somebody else's memory bank just waiting for some journalist to come along and pay for our story.

And it's not about he who is without sin can throw the first stone.  No sirreee.  If you've lived your life without making a single decision which could be misconstrued in later life - than I am assuming you've been in a coma since birth.  Even Mother Teresa went to confession.  YES MOTHER TERESA.

Here's a few of mine

1. I dressed up as Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act, The Jackson Five and a Black and White Ministrel for various fancy dress parties when I was in my late teens and I blacked my skin for it.  What can I say? Would I do it now - no.  Does it make me cringe when I think on it now - yes.  But then? There was no malice or intent to offend - just access to a whole lot of theatrical makeup and a nun's habit.  I'm a whole lot better educated about the insidious cruelty of casual, unintended racism and quite simply, life experience has put me in a position to understand that I would have been better off making different dress up choices.

 2. When in Rome on my way back from Russia at the tender age of 17, I consumed an entire bottle of Russia's version of breast milk and passed out, fully clothed, in an empty bath.  My friends gleefully photographed me and then produced the photographs (which I believed to have been destroyed) at my 21st. The only reason I confess this is that if they were prepared to produce them in front of 100 of my friends AND my parents AND my uncle, The Very Reverend Father AG, they are prepared to sell them to the press. I'd do the same.

3. I did on three occasions try the 'marrywahna'.  It did nothing for me the first, second, or third time and so I gave up.  I did however inhale and there were witnesses.  Since most of those witnesses have gone on to be committed pot smokers right through their adult life, I somehow suspect this could have remained secret as most of them have trouble remembering their names these days, but hey - if I'm going to be President of the new world or the middle aged Bieber I need to own it.

4. Long before Banksy and the Royals made graffiti white collar, I started to scratch 'Ms Kelly sux' into the wall of the pool where we were having our high school swimming carnival.  I was using a bobby pin and I had gotten to the letter 'K' when Ms Kelly busted me.  I was given a week of lunchtime 'scab' duties (pick up the litter) for the offence and an additional week for failing to give my parents the letter that told them of my transgression.

5. The very first time I voted, I voted Liberal in a local election.  All I have to say for myself is I'm sorry.

There you go, five skeletons which could bring my future celebrity into disrepute.  What about you? If you were to become famous tomorrow, what do you need to confess before the press confess for you?

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