30 June 2014

5 things every woman should have

There comes a time in a woman's life when she should have the essentials.  And I say 18 is that time.  If you don't have these things and you are over 18, head to the shops RIGHT NOW.  You're welcome.

1. A pair of black cotton briefs

Not a thong, not panties, not black mesh, not black with patterns.  Plain black cotton briefs.  Why? Because every woman going to have a massage should have a pair of knickers that show no grime, cover your back side and say nothing about you apart from 'my nether regions are comfortably covered - please wake me in an hour'.  Those masseuse types work magic.  Show them the respect they deserve.  Dress appropriately.

They don't have to be THIS big

2. A power tool

Whether it is a drill or a vibrator, by adulthood every self respecting woman should be able to do a bit of DIY in her own home.  It's that simple.  

Beginner DIYers - this is not a vibrator

3. A saucepan

Sure you cook with it - but you can also eat out of it, collect water in it should the roof spring a leak, wear it as a hat, plant herbs in it, make music with it when you're pretending you're a drummer in a rock and roll band, and very importantly, you can smash the head of unwanted intruders with it.  

Lid optional

4. A hoodie

There are going to be times in your life that not only do you need to be warm but you need to be relatively incognito.  These are generally the mornings when you wake up and realise that you have nothing to eat and have to go to the local supermarket or drive through maccers before you can achieve basic milestones like showering. If you just go in normal clothes you will definitely run into your ex, your boss or that bitch from work.  If you go in a hoodie - you are invisible. Fact.
Mmmmmm - hoodie

5. A snow globe

Yes.  A snow globe. If you have made it to adulthood without ever going somewhere that immortalises itself in a snow globe, you have not gone far enough from your comfort zone.  Snow globes are tangible evidence you have been somewhere and done something that you really want to remember and the only thing perfect enough is a plastic vista in a plastic dome where snow falls all year round (even though you probably were trekking the sahara desert on a camel when you came across this random souvenir shop selling snow globes).  Or at the Gold Coast. 

You thought I was exaggerating didn't you?

What other essential items should all women have?  Have I forgotten something you think is key?


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