21 July 2014

New age cabbage #laughlink

I have a lot of friends that back in the day we called 'new age'.  I also have a lot of friends that are control freaks.  Type A personalities on speed - you know the ones.  They're terrifying.

And I even have a smattering of friends that are new age Type A personalities on speed.  These people get their chakras aligned while they skim read the economist and fire half a dozen employees.  I never piss them off.  Ever.

Impressive but terrifying
And I have lots of other friends too.  And they are all lovely - it's a prerequisite for about 99% of my friends.  But for some of my friends - nothing just happens - they mix their new age with old fashioned superstition with the kind of ease I mix my metaphors.  They can not be persuaded that something happened because, well, something happened and they are deeply mistrustful of 'modern' and insist we did things so much better back when we only lived to be 40.

And I know I'm a skeptic.  I do.

I mean just this morning as I sat on my desk chair trawling through Facebook, my chair gave way throwing me quite violently to the right.  One might think my desk chair had just broken, but it COULD have been a sign that the 'right' are out to get me.

If looks could break my chair.... 
Then I went downstairs to get my old desk chair from when I was a high school student so I could resume working.  It's a bonafide wooden chair which is even older than me, which I have dragged from house to house from life to life.  I placed my generous derrière on it and I realised the chair has a slight rock to it. Perhaps my past is unsettled and might topple my future.

Things are looking grim here and I'm just sitting at my desk.  When I think on it, there was a lot that happened on the weekend that could mean the week isn't going to pan out so well.  If you drop an umbrella on the floor it means murder will happen in the house.  And if she does it one more time without putting the blasted thing away, that might well happen.

You see I once told a girlfriend that the reason she couldn't move on from Mr Douchebag was her mattress.  Feng Shui indicated that all the negativity from her last relationship was trapped in her mattress preventing her from finding a positive life partner.  She ditched the mattress, found a terrific guy and thanks Feng Shui to this day.

It took me about ten years before I actually saw it written somewhere.  I'd just made it up to get her to do something apart from cry over the cheating bastard.  And the great thing about Feng Shui is that pretty much anything you say works out for somebody.

And dreams.  Dreams send too many of my friends astray.  They pore over their meanings, they record them and take them off to 'dream interpreters'.  Did you know that if you dream of running, there is a big change a'coming?  Or you're having a nightmare.  Quite frankly, it's bad enough having to run in real life without having the sound of feet pounding the pavement interrupting my sleep.

People that don't start a journey on a Friday because it is inviting misfortune.  Whoever invented the weekend obviously didn't think that through now did they?

We ARE both in demand for selfies though
The fact that Pope Francis and I are both Sagittarians debunks astrology and if homeopathy worked Alexander Fleming would not have needed to invented penicillin.  I am not anti natural, it's just that now when I get a cold, everybody yells 'KALE' which frightens the snot from my nose but is doing bugger all to clear it up.  It's a cold.  It's going to go even if I don't 'KALE' and if it doesn't - I'm going to the doctor.

Because, you know, qualifications.

I get that their is a temptation to look for signs, to believe that the universe has a plan and that by watching out for them, or that because the modern world is messy and chaotic there is some sense to be made of what goes on around us by harking back.

But more than often, your friends are making up the Feng Shui, the black cat just happens to be passing by on his way to find a place to sleep and shoes on the table might just be me getting distracted half way through cleaning the house.  And we're living past 40.  Just saying.

What about you? Are you a skeptic like me or fully committed to listening to the universe?

Come and follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram - they're genuine signs to happiness


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