13 August 2014

How to put the Pro in Problogger. You're welcome

For those that don't blog - I'm going to a conference the week after next called ProBlogger.  It's a training event for people that blog both professionally and for fun and it's an excellent opportunity to 'do the social medias better'.

Which since I 'do the social medias' both professionally and for fun makes it a pretty useful event.

But quite tiny in real life
Last year was my first one.  The forums indicate that there are LOADS of newbies coming to this year and people are writing lots of meaningful and useful posts about getting the most out of the conference, or any conference.

I kind of feel people are addressing worthy points, but not actually any of the things newbies secretly worry about when attending conferences alone.

So here you go - my insights.

1. If you meet Mrs Woog for the first time, even though you love her ballsy attitude, her general hilariousness and her willingness to share information about blogging, the very first thing you will say is "YOU ARE MUCH SHORTER IN REAL LIFE THAN YOU SEEM ON YOUR BLOG".

Yes, that loudly.  And that daftly.  Because how can anybody tell how tall a person is by their writing? And you will die a little inside and she will be very lovely about it and you will slink away hoping against hope that while you said that sentence, she actually heard the things you MEANT to say.

No dugong will pass by to make the moment less painful
2. No matter where you sit in the auditorium, it will never be the right place.  You will either feel you are too far forward, no where near anybody you know or you will find yourself sitting at the end of a line of fashion bloggers, pretty much feeling like Homer Simpson making small talk with Kris Smith.

If you are male you won't give a shit, but if you're female you will spend the session feeling acutely self conscious even though every single one of them is completely lovely and quite frankly doesn't give a rat's bottom about what you are wearing.

3. The reason everybody seems to know each other is only because they read the form better than you and knew about the Thursday night drinks where you go along and meet people while drinking wine.

You won't realise this until the end of the second day when you're just settling into your groove and summon the courage to ask how long this little group of seeming besties has known each other and they say 'about 48 hours'.  The simple lesson is unless pregnant or teetotal - slip wine into your morning coffee if you can't go on Thursday night so you find your groove earlier.

I think that went well don't you?
4. People are actually that lovely.  They are not just being nice to you because you look like the only liturgical dancer at a rave.  If they aren't speaking to you it's not because they are arses, but probably because they are feeling a bit 'wooooo' as well.  Even if they have been a zillion times.

So if you say "Hi, my name is XXXX, how are you?" they will probably just start chatting, not leap away from you screaming "SOME LOW LIFE WITH A BLOG I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF JUST DARED TO SPEAK TO ME! DARREN BOOT HER OUT!"

5. Those tips about photographing key slides are good ones.  Also, the basic unspoken challenge is to try and tweet more than Carly Findlay who is like 'quick draw Mcgraw' at these things.  And she normally gets the point quicker than you do.  So if you can beat her, it's a bit like winning bingo when you just went along for the cheap drinks.

If you don't manage that just retweet her.  It makes you look slightly cleverer than you are.

6. If you meet a male blogger that asks if you want to hold the snake, just assume he means a live snake and don't slap him for insolence.

Snake, me and a male blogger
7. You won't need most of the business cards you have printed and when you do you will not have them on you.  So you'll just pull out your smartphones and become Facebook friends, swap numbers and extend your tribe that way.

Or write their number on your hand and hope you remember their name when you wake up the next morning.  If you have been drinking Tequila - it's probably Danielle's.  She's lovely like that.

8. No matter what you wear, where you stay, who you know and how badly you fangirl somebody - It'll be fun.  And inspiring. And you'll meet people. Those people become friends. And you learn stuff. Lots and lots and lots of stuff. And you laugh. And take a lot of photos. And write lots of notes that mean nothing afterwards like 'use that quote'.

So I hope I sorted that for you all.  Basically doesn't matter what you did - I was way more gauche last year so you'll be completely fine and dandy.

See you there.  I'll be the one in the corner wishing I knew how the f**k to dress like an adult.

I was told original and colourful was IN damnit. 
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