3 October 2014

In defence of being 'too much'

All my life I've heard the two words 'too much' added to descriptions of me or about me.  I talk 'too much', I swear 'too much', I drink 'too much', I do 'too much', I yell 'too much', I laugh 'too much', I can be 'too much' 

'Too much' is never added to descriptions people mean kindly.  'Too much' is always meant to convey that the thing you do 'too much' of should be toned down, curbed, even eliminated.

Me being a teenager in the 80s
And then this one has cropped up lately, a lot.  You care 'too much'.

I was initially a little hurt.  How can you care 'too much'?  Surely, caring is a good thing.  And I've been sitting on it, pondering, stewing.  And then I had my light bulb moment.

Not my problem.

It's taken me almost 40 years to get to the point where I like myself.  My self confidence and self esteem are never going to be like trampolines, bouncing back no matter what lands on them , and I'm okay with that.  I am always going to be a worrier.  I'm okay with that too. Not everybody is going to like me - and while that bites a bit, I'm okay with that.

You see generally - I'm rather nice.  I'd even go as far to say 'mostly likeable'.  Even 'fucking hilarious' on occasion.
Being low key at my own hen party
But the 'too much' bit of me?  I take that to everything.  I'm not too much on occasion, I am too much all of the time.  If you think I'm being too much on the outside, try imagine what I'm like on the inside.

I take too much everywhere.  To every friendship, to every relationship, to every job, to every conversation, to every cause, to every gathering, to every adventure, to every book, to every experience, to every bus trip if the truth be told.

I don't have another way to be.  I can't be somebody that does something 'just a little' or 'kind of maybe'.  I don't have that in me.  And 99% of the time it works out very well for people.  Very well indeed actually.

My 'too much' means that I'm living life as honestly as possible.  Yes I care. Yes I yell. Yes I drink. Yes I swear. Yes I do stuff. Yes I laugh. Yes I cry. Yes I am me.  But I'm 'too much' of a lot of things that people consider positives too.  Those things though - nobody throws those around with the cautionary 'too much' tacked on the end. And I'm not just 'too much 'about me.  I'm 'too much' about everything.  And I am 'too much' about everyone.

Me being someone else with Nick being somebody else
I don't have the energy or inclination to be somebody who is parsimonious with feelings or time or life in general.  Trying to be somebody that is more polished, more conservative, more middle of the road didn't work out for me.  Because it's not who I am.  I am me.

And I'm really rather good at being me.  In fact, I'm better at it than anybody else.


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