13 October 2014

Vaguebookers Verboten


"Why do bad things happen to good people?"

"Worst day ever"

"And there ends another chapter. Will I ever learn?"

"OMG - the best. So spoilt. So loved."

If any of these statements make you want to reach into the computer and punch it in the throat you're not alone.  Vaguebooking - which is basically the act of posting something random so people interact with you on Facebook - is the kind of passive aggressive bullshit which probably lost you friends in the first place.

These status updates generally say the following to me:

"You have a cold"

"You're watching the Bachelor and thought Lisa was going to win"

"Your sports team lost"

"You just dumped a perfectly decent woman who stayed with you way too long to put up with your neurotic bollocks and want me to sympathise with you being a complete numpty"

"You finally got a boyfriend and he paid for your entire Big Mac meal the big charmer"

If it's not those things - you might need to write more.  Because regular Vaguebookers are a personality type identifiable in every social situation in the world and anybody with any social awareness can pick them a mile off and just refuse to engage.

Accidental Vaguebooking is allowed.  Normally done by good people who got distracted by a butterfly, Katter on Q&A or wine.  Accidental Vaguebooking is generally followed up thus in about ten seconds or following the first comment calling them out on their vagueness:

Status update 1: "Worst day ever"
Status update 2: "Ha sorry people - Worst day ever should have had a second sentence! Can't believe the doggies lost.  I blame the beer"

If you need attention - just ask.  Most of your friends probably like you enough to come to the party. Try -

"I'm feeling particularly needy because it's Saturday night, I'm home alone again while my stupid ex is off in Fiji with their new squeeze who is my sister - send love to me or wine. Either way, I want attention and I want it now"

And at the other end of the internet we can all think 'Poor lass" and search for hitmen, funny memes and useful things to fill up your Facebook feed to distract you.  Because we get the need for attention - WE GET IT LADY.  We just don't like being manipulated.

So it's your civic duty people to call people on Vaguebooking.  Just comment "Vaguebooker!" and leave it there.  They have Google too, if by some remote chance they are unaware of their tendency to online manipulation, that one word should sort it nicely.  In the kind of passive aggressive way they are so bloody fond of already.

What violations of
online etiquette drive you bonkers?

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