5 January 2015

The internal dialogue of exercise

Step out the front door.  Click 'play music' and 'record workout' - stride out into the blinding sunlight and go back and get your sunglasses.

You know it's true.  Rare is the moment where exercise starts as per the plan.

The First Kilometre.

It's uphill and it's in excess of 30 degrees.  This first kilometre is where I alternate between thinking that I need to set up some new playlists combined with a load of silent profanity along the lines of 'Why the FREAKING HECK did I set myself such a stupid goal? I hate walking, I hate everything, honestly, I'm just going to lie, maybe if I fall and break a leg that'll sort me out'


The Second Kilometre.

I FREAKING LOVE WALKING.  I could walk a whole FREAKING MARATHON.  I could walk for days.  I love walking.  Look at me walking.  Lah lah OOH GREAT SONG.  No WONDER I LOVE THIS PLAY LIST.  Oooh look at me arms up like a professional walker.  I'm ON FIRE.

The Third Kilometre.

I never knew that shop was there? Or that one?  OOOOH. I can see my reflection. Shoulders back, gut in.  Cheeses girl - you need to do some core work - that spine curvature is unnecessary.  Ooh I love those wooden whales.  I wonder if he makes them himself or buys them in.  Oh this song is too slow.  Really why do people buy dogs so small they have to be carried? What is the point of carrying the dog and going for a walk? Why not just carry potatoes and save on the cost of dog food.  People are weird.

The Fourth Kilometre.

I'm walking a whole kilometre per hour faster than the average.  There might be something in all that muscle memory bollocks.  I really liked the pulled lamb Brad cooked yesterday.  I don't get why people love cooking though - especially when it's so hot.  Hey, I've just had a great idea about how I can raise money for my World Vision bloggers challenge this year.  What if I... (brain feverishly goes up about a thousand billion notches as it starts to formulate a plan)

The Fifth Kilometre.

Whoever designed pedestrian access to bridges is an asshat.  Why make us walk all the way down to go up.  Honestly.  God it's hot.  I think I should have brought more water. WHOA - my hat.  Cheeky wind.  Oooh, I like this song. Why do I get such bad pins and needles in my hands why I walk.  Best do that dorky walking hand thing.  It does help but honestly I look like an idiot.  I bet the cars driving past are getting a good giggle out of this.

The Sixth Kilometre.

Hello little Lizard.  Why are you scurrying along beside me?  Cheeses, I'm being beaten by a freaking lizard.  Lizard, slow down. Lizard gone.  I could probably get schools involved in my idea.  Yeah.  That could work.  Surely I know some school teachers?  Actually I know a lot of freaking school teachers?  What is wrong with people? Why would you want to be a school teacher?  Mad bastards the lot of them.  But it could work.  It could be like a value add for the fundraising.  Good for World Vision.  I hope this idea still sounds good when I get to the end. Must cross road now.  When did ballet barre classes become a thing that gets them their own studio?

The Seventh Kilometre.

I really should have brought more water.  What the fuck was I thinking going for a walk without more water?  It's like I wasn't born here or something.  It is rather hot.  But still quite a cracking pace still.  Well done you.  Oh Tracey Chapman.  You're a bit sad, I'm going to skip you and ah that's better some completely inappropriate Scissors Sisters.  Ah, a quick selfie for the blog page.  Yuk.  Another one.  For the love of Dr Seuss Alison Clare smile?  Fine.  That'll do.

The Eighth Kilometre.

Almost there. This is about where those pedestrians got hit recently.  God that was horrible. Poor Rozelle.  Life is so random. I have such a headache.  I really need some more water.  Must text Nick to tell him to start driving to Pyrmont soon.  Ooh, a tap, full water botttles again.  God it's so hot. That was such a lovely NYE we had last night. So hot.

The Ninth Kilometre.

There is something incredibly satisfying about walking isn't there?  I really am too hot to think.  Take off my hat there you go idiot woman - let a little bit of breeze ruffle your hair and cool you down. It's like you're a child sometimes.  Oh shit.  Drugged out weirdo alert. He's coming straight for me. What is it about me? Aha, well avoided Al! Though poor man at bus stop stuck with him now.  Oh well, a girl's gotta. Oh FFS ladies - why do you have to walk four across?  Hello! Excuse me! Excuse me!

The Tenth Kilometre.

Well aren't you an idiot Alison - now you've got to step up the pace so you stay ahead of them. Wow Anzac Bridge looks amazing from this angle. It really is a lovely bridge.  Hey Peter Fitz - I know I know about the Aussie flag but it is looking a bit amazing flying up there.  God I love Sydney, it's like the best city.  It's not London no - but look at that girlfriend?  What a gorgeous city?  What's that little app lady?  I've done 10 kilometres? That means google maps is a liar, I was supposed to be there in 9.9 kilometres and I am NOT at Pyrmont I am still on the bridge.

The Eleventh Kilometre.

This is the longest bridge in the freaking world.  I hate walking. It's so hot I think I might die before I get there.  How can Google maps get this wrong? Mind you Apple maps did too. Aww look at those old people taking their constitutional though seriously dude you're walking on the wrong side of the past.  Fine, I'll move but only because you're old and it's polite not because you're doing the right thing.  And they say people have no manners. I even gave him a smile and a 'Happy New Year'.  I am like the Mother Teresa of walking just now.

The Twelfth Kilometre.

Almost there!  What a great down bridge.  Remind me never to walk the other way, I'd be over it before I started.  Oh, that's cooler out of the sun.  Pyrmont eh, now where do Brad and James bloody live again. Okay, there's the building.  Right.  I can't wait to have water.  If they are not there I might just break in. Here I am.

It is done. What's my distance? 11.66 kilometres. Yuk. All the sweats.

"Hey James - it's Al - buzz me in will you?  Thanks."

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