15 May 2018

Dear Celebrity

I see you in the magazines and on the internet and on posters and in movies and basically everywhere and I know that I don't know you at all even when I feel like I do.

I know that being famous doesn't mean you're rich, and that being rich doesn't mean you are famous.

But I do know one thing.

When I am rich and famous (or just rich), I have no intention of keeping it real.

I see your interviews where you talk about keeping it real in your billion dollar mansion where you still do all your own cleaning and take your kids to school.

I see pictures of you in your designer sneakers shopping at the supermarket before you go home and make your own meals.

I see you holding hands with your kids on the ferris wheel or snuggling into their cute faces as the paparazzi shamelessly invade your personal space on a family holiday so that magazines sell.

I see you spruik your movies or your songs or your designs and I know that isn't necessarily the real you. I know that you make your money selling stuff and that you have to walk the walk, and talk the talk, so we give you money.

I know that being in the public eye isn't easy. But I make this solemn vow right now. If I am ever as rich and famous (or just rich) as you, I'm not going to keep it real.  I'm going to make it UNREAL.

I am going to pay somebody to cook my food and put away my clothes and clean my house. Sure, I'll be happy to make popcorn occasionally, and I'm happy to give away gazillions to charity. But there is a small part of me, an insanely selfish part of me, that would gladly pay for someone to do all the stuff I don't like to do. Like cook and clean or shop. That's right, if I can also afford to have somebody go and buy my jeans and sneakers - I'd outsource that too.

I'll be happy to hang out with my family and do all the ferris wheels and smooching bits. I'll keep that real - because that's the unreal part of MY real. Even now, when my bank accounts are as empty as a politicians promise.

But you will never see me quoted in a magazine or anywhere talking about how I like to keep things real.  Never. You can totally quote me on that.

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